December, 2003 seems like ages ago and yet I remember that time as if it had happened just yesterday. For in December almost 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening tumor that would redefine how I looked at life from that day forward.
So why am I revisiting this memory today? This last week was a mix of so many emotions…from being on such a high that it was almost 5 years since I was diagnosed with a brain tumor that could have had a devastating outcome, but didn’t. I am a survivor and so much good has come out of something that at the time was so scary.
And…over the last week there have been low times too. Especially on Wednesday. Each year since my surgery, per doctor’s orders, I have gone in for a yearly MRI – to ensure that everything is still ok. And, each year; it seems that I experience many of the same emotions that I did when I had the initial MRI in December, 2003; when the brain tumor was found.
So on Wednesday as I prepared to go to the imaging center where I would have my MRI I decided to try and make the day as if it was like any other. I attended a meeting with a local PR firm to discuss possible ways that we could work together. I stopped for a late lunch and then arrived at my appointment. As I walked through the double doors that led to the imaging center I felt this crippling fear come over me. And the many “what-if’s” started to run through my mind.
What if – even after almost 5 years, the tumor has come back?
What if – they find something else in the MRI scan?
What if – I have to have another surgery?
As I filled out the paperwork I thought about all of the MRI scans I have had before and the many films I have viewed – looking at the before and after scan of my brain and how amazing our bodies can heal. And I realized something. No matter what the outcome would be of this last yearly MRI scan I knew I would not be alone with the news. From the day of my diagnosis, I have been surrounded by family and friends that have supported me every step of the way. At that moment I decided that I would go into the MRI scan with a positive outlook and as always envisioning the outcome of what I wanted to occur and let the rest of the “what-if’s” go.
So…when I get the news next week from my Primary Care Physician and she tells me that everything is fine – I will know that I don’t have to experience another MRI scan for 5 years. And if by chance the doctor calls and says they found something on the MRI, I can handle that news too. I have been down that road before and placed my future in the hands of amazing doctors that helped me on so many levels and I can do it again. My mindset around the whole process will be positive, no matter what happens.
And so I wait until next week when I get the call from my doctor. But, I am not sitting around with the “what-if’s” running through my mind. I have already moved on. I will make it, no matter what. I have done it before- been strong and resilient in the time of uncertainty and can do it again…if need be.
The memories will always be there…but they don’t have to be crippling. What the memories can do for me is help me to remember how blessed I have been through the process and how much of life I have left to experience.
Here is to your purposeful life…
Lisa
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